Mom and I were lounging in her sunroom one afternoon, discussing my impending engagement to my now-husband. She was interested in when exactly the wedding would occur, which segued into a conversation about being married while finishing school. I can’t recall all the details, but I distinctly remember my mother pressing me to admit that I didn’t really know what marriage would be like. Of course, at the time I was blinded by rainbows and butterflies. I wouldn’t dare admit something like that! My husband and I had a few laughs on the drive home about how nobody understood our relationship, how perfect we were for each other, and how the phrase “marriage is hard work” didn’t apply to us. We were in the type of relationship that others only dreamt of, and our marriage was going to be so easy.
Fast-forward to about fourteen months later. We were lying in bed the night after our honeymoon, having one of those “talks” as in, “we need to talk!” All I kept thinking was “Why can’t we get this right?! How did this even happen?” I read so many blogs written by newlyweds experiencing complete marital bliss in the “honeymoon stage” and I wonder, “What planet are they living on? And how can I get there?” Sometimes cynicism creeps in, and I convince myself that the “honeymoon stage” is one of those myths perpetuated by couples pretending to be in it.
Most couples enter marriage with certain expectations. Unfortunately, some of my expectations were unrealistic. I expected the first year or two – at least until we had children—to be relatively conflict-free. God has humbled me the past few months, and in hindsight, I realize how naïve I was about the early stages of marriage. I’m now learning:
You don’t know what it’s like to be a spouse until you are a spouse. Believe it or not, it’s different than being a “girlfriend” or “fiancé”. Accordingly, you can’t anticipate the issues or feelings you will encounter or prepare for them. There is good news though: God designed it that way! “Therefore,” the Lord said, “a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 NKJV) God created a special intimacy between husband and wife meant only to be experienced through marriage—and I’m not just talking about sex here! The intense emotional experiences you go through with your spouse—conflict included—will only deepen this intimacy.
As with any new job, expect a learning curve. Think of it this way: if you started a new job with little-to-no training, would you beat yourself up when you made some mistakes in the first few months? Of course not, because you were too inexperienced to perform the job error-free. Why should your expectations for marriage be any different? There is no simulation for the marriage experience. You can read books, pray, and attend premarital counseling, but nothing can fully prepare you for what you are about to experience. Expect to make mistakes and endure trial-and-error periods. Here’s a hint: cut your spouse some slack for his slip-ups too. After all, he’s going through the same thing that you are. Your goal should be to
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NKJV).
“Marriage takes work”…and prayer. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. If you perceive an issue, talk to your spouse about it! Even—especially!— if it might lead to an uncomfortable conversation. Pray together often. Pray that the Lord will give you the courage to constantly communicate with your spouse about the state of your marriage. Pray that you and your spouse can learn to forgive each other’s weaknesses. Most importantly, pray for your spouse’s relationship with the Lord. If he is following God’s will for his life, then he will by default be a better spouse to you, because the Lord mandates it. He can transform your spouse in ways that you are not able to!
