Our church had a guest pastor a few weeks ago and he shared some thoughts about 2 Samuel 9:1-13. I walked away realizing there were substantial implications for couples in regards to this biblical story of David and one of Jonathan’s son’s. In short, relationships are built by two people but it only takes one to tear it down. Furthermore, it only takes to to offer something different and rebuild a relationship.
Most are familiar with the story of David and Jonathan from the Old Testament. They were best friends until Jonathan’s father, King Saul, went mad and tried to kill David. David and Jonathan did not want to end their friendship but, because of Saul’s actions and threats, they were forced to say goodbye so as to save each others lives.
This is a harsh example that likely won’t be replicated in any relationship that you are part of, but the principal here is that one person can intimately affect the reality of a relationship. For modern day relationships, the threats to relationships take many shapes: Addictions, maladaptive coping habits, opposite sex relationships, or parents/in-laws.
All it takes is for one person to develop an addiction or another type of coping habit to undermine trust, or to develop a relationship with an old or new flame.”
These actions, left unchecked and resolved, will destroy a relationship. This is the negative side of how one person’s actions can dictate the path of a relationship. Picking back up the story of David, let’s take a look at a different perspective of what one person can do in a relationship.
A number of years later David is the king. Despite Saul’s attempts to kill David many years prior, he wants to honor his friendship with Jonathan. He seeks and finds a man named Miphibosheth, one of Jonathan’s sons, who happened to be lame in both feet. David summons Miphibosheth and tells him to not be afraid; all that belonged to his grandfather Saul will be given to him and he shall eat at the kings table for the rest of his life. This kindness was a surprise to Miphibosheth. He asks David why a servant and a “dead dog like me” should be noticed and blessed.
David offers hope and reconciliation to the family of Saul for a problem he did not create. It’s the ultimate act of forgiveness for a betrayal that was costly. David’s response to Saul’s family is an example of how one person can positively change a relationship. It’s the same opportunity that you and I have in our relationships today.
Marriage requires that we grow out of our self-centered lives and live differently.
There are now two people’s souls who need to be considered. When you take two selfish people and ask them to live unselfishly, guess what happens? Conflict. Betrayal. Pain. Yes, there are glorious moments and seasons but no one has trouble living authentically when life is working.
When a couple seeks counseling, one of the first ideas that we hit on is this: In any moment of conflict or relational pain, resolution begins when one or both of you initiate a mature movement towards change. Maturity is the ability to flex to the reality and demands of life, whereas immaturity is the demand that life flex for our realities. The word “mature” can be used pejoratively, but that is not how I want to communicate it. We are all immature at times. It only takes one person, the more mature one in that moment, to dramatically change the situation. It might be that neither of you are mature enough in some fights to instigate this change. That’s okay because it’s not a matter of “if” but “when” you are mature.
This highlights one of the great paradoxes of relationships: One of us must be the first to change, but I’m unwilling to be that person. John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” The same could be said for marriage. Replace the word “country” with “spouse” or “relationship” and you’ve got the recipe for how to live maturely in your relationship together.
David’s unmerited favor towards the lame man was life changing—for both of them. Miphibosheth sat at the King’s table for the remainder of his life. It’s easy to see that Miphibosheth was the recipient of this life change but I imagine that David too felt changed. It’s impossible to offer true grace and mercy to those around us without being changed as well.
We are all like Miphibosheth, broken, lame, and in need of something we don’t deserve; and we are all like David, holding something of value and importance. This is the formula for why we get married. If you withhold either the Miphibosheth or David part of your place in the relationship, you’ll miss out. Be glad for your need of the other to have something to give, and of your ability to give something to others.
