I grew up with 4 sisters and prided myself on my ability to speak respectfully to women. I wasn’t a “player,” but knew how to observe and understand women better than most of my peers. I had a lot of friends of the opposite sex and always felt like I related better with them than I did guys. So it was with great pride that I entered my marriage and knew that I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes I’d heard horror stories about my other friends making. But, I’m still a guy, and I’m still from a different planet than my wife. To my surprise these words came out of my mouth:
That’s not how my mom makes it.”
I had just come home from work and sat down for dinner. After taking a bite of corn bread, I was confused. I hadn’t had cornbread like this before, and this was a meal that my mom used to make for my family all the time. Why was this cornbread different? Surely my wife had my mom’s recipe, or did she? The confusion was too much to hold inside, and thus I stuck my foot in my mouth.
Oops.
It was a harmless comment, or so I thought. We can joke about it now but at the time I remember it hurting Stephanie’s feelings quite deeply as she was trying her hardest to be “the best wife” by cooking this meal. In our early days of marriage we struggled with our roles as husband and wife, and this comment only helped to cement that I really didn’t understand how hard it was for her as a wife. I’m sure I tried to justify my comment, or blame it on stupidity, but in the end the damage was done.
Rule #1: Don’t ever comment about your wife and mother in the same sentence, paragraph or lifetime. It just won’t go very well. Your wife is not your mom and even if she does things to remind you of your mom, you need to separate the two. It’s not uncommon for men to marry women like their mom, so if you’re finding these comparisons hard to combat, just keep your mouth shut.
After struggling through the first year of marriage, we emerged still standing and began year two. We worked on trusting each other more and each felt safer to speak aloud what was going on in our heads and hearts. But there were still areas that was difficult to bring up. For me, I had difficulty with our sexual relationship. I was trapped by toxic shame which made it hard to own my desires and sexual thoughts.
Stephanie knew this from many grueling conversations, and she loved and challenged me to lean into my sexual being. She would speak quite freely about sex and encouraged me to do the same.
At the time, our neighbors were quite friendly and often brought us cookies or meals. They were old enough to be our parents, but quite young in spirit. The wife would usually wear a lower-cut top that accentuated her larger than normal breasts. After she brought cookies over to us one evening, Stephanie asked if it was hard to see her because of her cleavage.
No, I said. “I am not attracted to voluptuous women.”
Oops, again.
I didn’t consider the implication that this would have on Stephanie. This was way more difficult than the cornbread comment because it dealt with my wife’s sexuality and attractiveness, which cut way deeper.
Rule #2: Speaking about your wife’s attractiveness needs to be done with the utmost care, love, and respect. Even if you’re being caring, I’d suggest keeping to yourself anything that might be remotely critical of your wife’s body or self image. Much of what our wives believe about their bodies comes from how men view them. Take a look at any magazine rack at a store. Body image is pervasive and your wife worries about her body, even if she looks like she’s been photoshopped.
In our culture, Women are portrayed as sexual objects. They are sexual beings, not objects. This will be an issue that marriages will have to contend with because it is so easy to buy into the notion that bigger breasts, thinner bodies, and perfect faces is the goal for women. Though this might be arousing to men, it’s not and doesn’t need to become reality.
Over the course of our marriage, we’ve cultivated a relationship that can hold firm to our trust in each other. This has taken a lot of work, and lot of “oops” moments like the two above, and a lot of forgiveness. A couple of years ago I realized that I was taking advantage of this trust and was being too free with my choice of words.
We’ve always encouraged honesty with each other, even when the words we choose might not be the easiest to hear. There have been times where her behaviors towards me have been easily categorized as “bitchy.” In many conversations after the fact, I allowed myself to move from calling her behavior bitchy, to referring to her as a bitch. And she would agree with me. I never called her this to her face in the heat of the moment but did do so after we’d both cooled down.
Because she agreed with me, I thought it was ok. The more I considered this, the less ok I was with it. I wouldn’t be ok if someone else referred to her that way, so why was it ok for me to do so? It wasn’t and it’s not.
Rule #3: Name calling or labeling will never promote intimacy or closeness. Even if you never speak labeling words aloud, they will be communicated through looks, actions and your emotional coldness towards her. Most of communication is non-verbal, and when you view your wife as an object (such as a dog), you will treat her as such. Our actions and choices come from our beliefs and thoughts.
Instead of labeling or name calling, what I strive for is to speak about my experience when she’s in a prickly mood. Instead of calling her a name or judging her, I’ll tell her what her actions stirred up inside of me. It’s harder, because it’s more vulnerable, but it doesn’t categorize her as an object.
There are lots of other stories I could share about “what not to say.” All of these stories have a common truth: Our wives will see themselves as we see them. If we want them to be like our mom, they’ll probably start behaving that way. If we want them to look different, sexier, or more fit, they’ll probably start shutting down their sexuality. If we see them as an object, they will begin to see themselves that way. Your wife is like a rose bush—a bit prickly in places, incredibly strong and stout in others, and soft, fragrant and beautiful in other places. Treat her as such, and you’ll be a loved and respected man.
